Written and performed by Zaynab Hawat & Sofiya Zafrul
I trace your body with my fingertips, But you are crumbling under my grasp. Your chocolate skin patterned with veins like milky rivers of pollutants Three-generations of dirt coursing through your blood: It is no wonder why you are so fragile Breaking under the softest touch. The way your skin in all shades of brown, felt on mine, soft, pure, welcoming Yet grasping on to you was impossible, as with downpour, you slipped through my fingers, Mud.
Drifting apart, like being blown by the treacherous winds God sent us when he was angry. I saw you wilt, as the tears that fell from your face no longer tasted sweet, Only acidic to the touch. The green that once accompanied the blue in your eyes, began to have brown specks in them.. Wilting, wilting, wasting away. I guess I did lose myself, when I let you be, when I left you without knowing. When I decided to trudge along paths without you in it. No one has ever loved you, you were so, so giving, so loving, so silent.
None of us wanted you, you were just, there, a convenience. Like the unforgettable scent of the dewy grass laced in the air, The glistening droplets of rainwater that adorned the tips of The leaves, The way the sun always watched over me when I was alone, searching, Lost. The cotton candy skies forever imbedded in my head, yet now, all I see is mundane Shades of grey.
I had only loved you because you were there, A gift God gave That I regarded as a birthright, It is only after you’re gone that I realize I never owned you, You belonged to everyone And it was a stupid assumption to believe that I could claim ownership over you And treat you however I liked.
I forgot how much of my life revolved around you: We were childhood lovers Swinging on yellow swing sets the sun glaring in our eyes, Picnics under large, pixie-hollow-like trees Sucking on the stamen of red-petaled flowers The honey tickling our tongue as we laughed to each other Dancing in the rain to the music of our parents’ screams of “you’ll get sick!” (They didn’t know that was the whole point) Splattering mud on one another Closer to the earth, closer to each other. You see, you always greeted me each morning regardless Of whether the corners of my mouth were curved upwards or down, Whether I shedded tears of joy or sorrow, You always greeted me. In the morning, my vision coated with green, green, green. Puddles against the tar I stare at myself, Though, it wasn’t just me in the reflection, you were there too. Now you aren’t.
I’m sorry I never loved you when your blue blue fluids Turned into a murky brown, I’m sorry I never loved you when smoke and ashes Decorated the air, I’m sorry I never loved you when you were trampled Over by others, with greed and plastic accompanying them, I’m so sorry, for being sorry, Because I know damn well I could’ve been there for you. As we grew older, you faded away. When I left you, I realized I loved you. But it’s too late, isn’t it? You’re gone now.
I’m drenched with the scent of an ungrateful Human being, not knowing how to cherish you, Love you, remember you, engrave you into my memory. I loved you, but I didn’t at all.